In Memory, You Fall (Catch Me)
by All.In.Remembrance
Summary: 'They are wrong when they say Death is the End. The Watchers, the Reapers, they ensure Balance; bending the very Laws of the Universe if necessary to achieve their ends. They reached beyond the Veil...and Brought Him Back.' The Balance was Disrupted and so They Acted. A Conqueror Begun Anew – and the world will bow before their God.
1. Chapter 1 - Rebirth

_**Disclaimer:**_ _I do not own Death Note, all rights and material belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata. Any and all quotes is taken with full acknowledgement of the manga and anime. All the rest is my own work._

* * *

 _ **In Memory, You Fall (Catch Me)**_

* * *

 **Chapter One**

* * *

Rebirth

* * *

 _"…Do you believe in dreams?"_

 _"What a foolish question."_

 _"It doesn't matter how foolish it is. Do you believe in dreams?"_

 _"No. It is merely an involuntary attempt for humans to cower from the realities of life, tricking themselves into believing there's a better future for them without even trying. They are for the weak."_

 _"That's sad. I think everyone should be able to believe in dreams."_

 _"Why should they? Eventually, they have to wake up."_

* * *

There exists many different kinds of attraction.

Of which, romantic attraction is the most obvious and lauded in human history.

It is longed for, anticipated. Glorified and _immortalised._ For how can it not be? What is romantic attraction? What is _**love**_ _?_

– _It's the flutter of eyelashes, the lingering of breathless touches, the teasing smirks and smouldering gazes, the beckoning and wanton movements and shivering laughter—_

– _A soft graze and a shy blush, a racing heartbeat and clammy palms, a crimson blush and adoring smile–_

Love is captivating.

Love is moving.

Love is longing.

It captivates the mind and unfurls a million different possibilities before the very feet of the Lovers, yearning for fire-hot touches and drowning into so-called _love._

It is the sensual dance of world-worn adults, callous and jaded from shattered dreams, broken from life's cruel edge; it is the hesitant and reckless exploration of adolescents, hungry and wondering, venturing hurriedly and joyously over the peak into maturity; it is the shy and bold declarations of affection between younglings, unknowing and misunderstanding, a gentle and benign mockery of what lay long into the distant future.

 _Romance. Affection._ _ **Love**_ _._

 _(A mere fantasy, a tasteless illusion._ _ **Disgusting.**_

 _There is no such thing as_ _ **love.**_ _Merely a process of chemical reactions, tricking the brain, enthralling the_ _ **weak**_ _and_ _ **blind.**_

 _Stage one is_ _ **lust.**_ _It is commonly known as_ _ **desire.**_ _The sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen flood the brain, stimulating a response of_ _ **lust**_ _or desire towards a designated '_ _ **mate**_ _'. In drastically increasing the amount already present in the brain, testosterone and oestrogen urges males and females to perform foolish actions to demonstrate their fertility and capability as a '_ _ **mate'**_ _._

 _It is a chemical_ _ **craving**_ _that motivates humans to_ _ **mate**_ _and therefore,_ _ **reproduce**_ _; fulfilling the innate biological impulses of mere_ _ **primates.**_

 _Stage two is_ _ **attraction.**_ _The_ _ **fixation**_ _, the_ _ **obsession**_ _of the sexual partner, overcoming the ingrained urges for organic consumption and hydration or regenerative repose. Monoamines are released in abundance upon_ _ **attraction**_ _towards the mate. Dopamine increase in number in the ventral tegmental area of the mesolimbic system in order to stimulate the nucleus accumbens into generating a feeling of_ _ **reward**_ _when in the presence of the mate. Norepinephrine, also known as adrenaline, triggers the bodily reactions of a quickening heartbeat, induced sweating or flushing due to increased blood flow, psychologically linking the mate to the above reactions. Serotonin, a vital neurotransmitter, mediates the feeling of_ _ **happiness,**_ _of_ _ **satisfaction**_

 _It is a releasing of neurons to act as_ _ **drugs**_ _, lying and manipulating the body to become_ _ **obsessed**_ _, to become_ _ **weak.**_

… _Finally, stage three is_ _ **attachment**_ _. When the_ _ **obsession**_ _fades due to the body's growing tolerance to the pumping stimulants, when_ _ **dependence**_ _and_ _ **connection**_ _grows due to the new increase of the endorphins and hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is secreted from the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland when mates_ _ **bond**_ _by physical or social contact, providing a feeling of_ _ **connection.**_ _Vasopressin, or anti-diuretic hormone, is released after sexual intercourse to induce a feeling of_ _ **commitment,**_ _of_ _ **devotion**_ _._

 _Amusedly enough, if a male prairie vole were to consume a drug to repress the effect of vasopressin, the_ _ **bond**_ _between paired mates would immediately degrade and wither as the supposed_ _ **devotion**_ _fades away and new mates beings to court the partner._

 _It is a working of hormones to_ _ **lie**_ _¸ to create a feeling of_ _ **connection**_ _and_ _ **commitment**_ _, to_ _ **trap**_ _and_ _ **cage**_ _a human to another's side to_ _ **fade.**_

 _Love is a lie._

 _Love never lasts._

 _ **There is no such thing as love**_ _)_

* * *

It was strange to see how people willingly, wilfully blind themselves to the truth: the world is a _**disgusting**_ place. _Putrid_ and _overflowing with_ _ **scum**_ , it was a wonder, truly, how people could walk amongst the _(_ _ **tainted**_ _)_ streets, live in those _(_ _ **infected**_ _)_ houses, talk to the _(_ _ **lyinglyingalwaysLYING**_ _)_ people without faltering.

 _Strange…_

Perhaps that is why people clung to the bright lights. Perhaps they too sensed the hatred, the darkness and sought to cleanse themselves by bathing in the radiance of their betters.

 _Did they know…?_

Perhaps that is why they clung to him. Perhaps they drowned the subconscious thoughts in the deep recesses of their minds – ' _he's just a child, just a boy, don't be silly'_ – and kept the company of the beautiful _(_ _ **strange**_ _)_ boy because of their justified excuses. They knew, of course, they could be doing better things, this is just taking a few moments of their time to admire a brilliant, precocious child; they can leave any time they want, of course they can.

 _Fools._

Perhaps that's why they wanted ( _ **pleaded**_ _)_ for his attention. Perhaps that's why they followed _(_ _ **worshipped**_ _)_ him.

Perhaps that's why they clung to Yagami Light.

* * *

 **Before**

To outsiders, Yagami Light almost seemed to transcend the limits of child brilliance. A certified _genius_. A boy who could debate, discuss, argue and analyse concepts that no _ordinary_ child could even dream of. They all thought the sky was his limit.

' _What would he be in the future?_ ' some would inwardly ask. A politician? A scientist? A linguist? A doctor? A lawyer?

' _So many possibilities_ ,' they would swoon at the endless ideas. ' _Of course_ ,' they thought, ' _in the future_.' Right now, he was but a child, intelligent and shining, but ultimately a child with his own flaws. The discovery of said flaws wasn't a disappointment to them.

Quite the contrary, it seemed to enchant the others even more.

 _'He was still human, not a monster, still human,'_ whispered the buried thoughts in the dark shadows of their minds.

He was amazing, beautiful, gifted and kind.

 _Outsiders…were blind._

They saw what Yagami Light wanted them to see, thought what Yagami Light wanted them to think, did what Yagami Light wanted them to do.

Of course, in their flimsy defence, it wasn't as though there _should've_ been anything different about the prodigious Yagami son. How should they have known about the chained monster underneath the mask? How should they have known about the permanent weighted shackles that bound his body and soul, visible only to those weary eyes? How should they have _known?_

 _How, indeed._

When the awestruck people, the wonder-blind children, adoring teachers expressed their amazement to said monster, they didn't know it was **Kira** who smiled back.

 _Strange, certainly._

When Yagami Light _(_ _ **Kira, the Second L, God of the New World**_ _)_ was born once more, he had a debt of eighty thousand, five hundred and thirty-two souls to save.

… _Well…_

Kira never did consider anything impossible.

* * *

 _"What about happiness?"_

 _"Oh?"_

 _"Yeah. Dreams can make you happy. It can give you something to strive for, a goal. When you achieve it, you'll be happy."_

 _"…Dreams are but simple desires, whims. A passing feeling that can easily drift out of your grasp as soon as your next interest, your next obsession floats by. As I said before, they are for the weak."_

 _"But…don't you want to be happy?"_

 _"Ignorance is bliss and happiness is an ideal in a_ _ **rotten**_ _world."_

* * *

 **Age: Two months**

The hush of the early dawn settled like quiet mist over the slumbering haze of the Shibuya neighbourhood, Kantō region. Within the peace _(_ _ **silencesilencesilence**_ _)_ an ethereal baby was curled up in his crib, serene amber eyes studying the dancing dust motes as they shone luminously in the new light of morning.

Kira has effortlessly slipped out of Morpheus' embrace as visions of _**bloodhurtpainIamGodhyukhyukLightsaveme**_ threatened to overwhelm and drown him in _**hurthurthurt**_.

 _The monsters dare not linger in the new dawn._

With a tiny sigh, the amber eyes shifted to the small fists curled up next to their owner.

So fragile and _weak_ , a far cry from the elegant pianist's hands that lay in store for him, far into the coming years.

It was…strange how helpless he was.

The first time around, it was easier, he had been more distracted and inexperienced, truly innocent in every sense of the word. ( _ **Hehadn'tbeendrowninginredthen**_ _)_ But now that Kira had a taste of the true potential he had as an adult, being trapped in a helpless prison of flesh and blood was twice as provoking.

Kira let out another sigh.

However, if it was one trait Kira had, it was patience.

* * *

 _"But happiness is real! I see it every day. My friends, my family, me. I'm happy. I can feel happiness, unlike—"_

 _"…unlike me?"_

 _"I…I didn't mean it like that…"_

 _"That is the issue with you. You're too impulsive, too brash. You don't think before speaking and those consequences can spiral out of control if you're not careful enough."_

 _"…I…"_

 _"When will you realise that the world, the_ _ **real**_ _world is a filthy place?"_

 _"…"_

* * *

 **Age: One year**

He refused to admit he missed his Shinigami.

For one, it was the very principle of the matter; it was, after all, Ryuk who had – rather gleefully – scribbled his name into his Death Note – Ryuk's idea of ' _help me_ ' left much to be desired. For another, Kira must have been contracted to the most annoying Shinigami to walk the Death Realm.

All the constant pleas for apples, the annoying attitude as he provoked Kira again and again, that hideous chuckle as he continuously hovered behind him as he merrily observed how Kira's schemes unfolded themselves in all their cunning brilliance.

 _So sickening…a Death God's indifferent visage…_

But the fact remains, Ryuk was _**his**_ Shinigami.

No, it wasn't something out of some misplaced sense of affection, ( _ **KirawasGodKirawasGodKirawasGod**_ _)_ weakness such as caring had no place in a God's ( _ **murderer's**_ _)_ life.

No.

Kira had pawns and tools, freely using and discarding them as he pleased. He wasn't the King but the Game Master: the phantom puppeteer shifting the pieces in his unspoken dance, intangible fingers moving his toys to and fro.

All the pieces was his and a Shinigami was no exception.

( _ **Hyuk hyuk**_ _)_

* * *

 _"Back again?"_

 _"I…yes. I wanted to apologise."_

 _"For?"_

 _"I didn't mean to say you couldn't feel happiness, like there was something wrong with you. It was stupid of me and I'm really sorry about that."_

 _"Would there be something wrong with me if that was true?"_

 _"What?"_

 _"If I were to tell you I am incapable of feeling happiness, would that mean there was something wrong with me?"_

 _"But that's impossible! Everyone feels happiness! That's a trick question."_

 _"…I see."_

* * *

 **Age: Two years and seven months**

Yagami Light has his parents.

 _(_ _ **FALSE: Kira had no parents**_ _)_

Yagami Light cared about his parents.

 _(_ _ **FALSE: Kira cared nothing for his caretakers**_ _)_

Yagami Light loved his parents.

 _(_ _ **FALSE: Kira knew there was no such thing as love**_ _)_

* * *

 _"Please don't do that. I…don't…"_

 _"Whatever do you mean?"_

 _"Look at me like that! Don't look at me like that. Like I-I…_ _ **failed**_ _a test or something!"_

 _"You're getting hysterical."_

 _"Shut up! Just don't look at me like that! I didn't do anything wrong! Just_ _ **stop**_ _!"_

 _"You're shaking."_

 _"Shut up, shut up,_ _ **shut up**_ _! Wh-what's_ _ **wrong**_ _with you?!"_

 _"…I?"_

* * *

 **Age: Two years and ten months**

Dusky whorls of inked darkness twirled and danced on the blank abyss of white. Words – written, permanent marks – smoothly faded into existence under the blazing glow of amber fire.

The leather-bound journal ( _ **notthesamenotthesamenotthesame**_ _)_ burned softly in his tiny hands, canvas gradually, hungrily being eaten up by ( _ **blackblackblackblack**_ _)_ words; plans upon plans upon plans, a false web of lies and truth.

Like a spider's threading, the fate of the world spun itself into cold granite, bound by words ( _ **wordsalwayswordsintheend**_ _),_ the plaything of a God. It snapped into place – _clink, clink, like manacles once upon a time –_ as a pen wrote **Judgement**.

Kira, above all else, knew the power of words.

* * *

 _"You're supposed to be my friend! You're so kind and nice and cool. And now you're acting so strangely and_ _ **I don't like it! Stop!**_ _"_

 _"You're growing tiresome."_

 _"See! What does that even mean? Why are you acting like this? Light—"_

 _"—be quiet."_

 _"…"_

 _"This was somewhat entertaining in the beginning but now you're becoming so very tedious."_

 _"…"_

 _"Shh, don't cry. It's pathetic. You're already wretched enough."_

* * *

 **Age: Three years and four months**

Yagami Sayu was a disquieting being.

It was so very strange observing the wailing, wrinkled creature and knowing the boisterous girl that was her future self. The contrast could not be any greater.

The air stank _(_ _ **ofsicknessofgriefofdeath**_ _)_ of a _rotten_ odour that seemed common in all hospitals and the ward room was quiet in a tenacious torpor – interrupted only by the screams.

Kira lounged in his hospital armchair – as far from the ward as he could conceivably be – automatically shifting his expression into one of alarm when Soichiro drew nearer to him in his constant circular pacing.

He was _bored._ ( _ **Whenhewasboreddeathalwaysfollowed**_ _)_

Kira didn't want to be here.

There was no point in coming here and then being forced to wait for eight hours, sixteen minutes and forty-one seconds outside an ear-splitting room. Whilst Kira couldn't deny his enjoyment of screaming, he always preferred it from criminals as they suffered the wrath of his Justice.

 _(_ _ **Soannoying**_ _)_

Whilst Soichiro hovered uselessly, pacing jerkily between the ward door and his seat, Kira was in his own chair – the very picture of shaking innocence – whilst inwardly reciting his personal notes for ' _Physics; Principles with Applications'_ by Douglas C. Giancoli.

Born at 9:56pm on 1992, June 18th Thursday, Yagami Sayu welcomed the brave new world.

… _Kira couldn't have cared any less._

 _(_ _ **MurderermybrotherisnotamurdererKiraKiraKIRA**_ _)_

* * *

 _"…Why…"_

 _"Hm? Do speak up."_

 _"…Why are you acting like this? You're not…you can't be Light..."_

 _"The Light you knew never existed."_

 _"But…"_

 _"You see, I was experiencing some_ _ **frustration**_ _as you might label it. A certain infuriating detective is stirring up some trouble, interrupting a few of my plans. I wasn't entirely pleased with this turn of events. So, I decided to have some_ _ **fun**_ _, as one might say. Blow off some steam, yes?"_

 _"…"_

 _"You caught my eye. I planned and analysed and strategized. And it worked…at first. But you quickly outgrew your usefulness. Your naivety, your ignorance, your simple-mindedness; it was_ _ **nauseating**_ _."_

* * *

 **Age: Four years and six months**

Soichiro and Sachiko had quietly asked Kira to mind Sayu for an hour whilst the woman bustled off to the grocer and the man answered the summons to the National Police Agency headquarters.

Ever the agreeable _'son',_ Kira had, of course, consented.

(' _ **HelpmewithmyhomeworkLight?**_ _')_

Kira had – up to that point – successfully managed to avoid excessive contact with his _'sister',_ easily expressing his inward aversion as nervous trepidation to his caretakers. Thinking this a child's understandable reaction to the idea of keeping the company of a much more fragile and younger sibling, Soichiro and Sachiko empasised – exactly what Kira wanted.

 _Now though…_

He peered down at the mahogany-and-cotton cradle, leaning casually against the side, head languidly cradled in a palm and viper-still as glacial eyes analysed the being below him.

 _(_ _ **BrotherIloveyouloveyouloveyou**_ _)_

Yagami Sayu slept, vulnerable as closed eyelids twitched in shifting dreams. _(_ _ **DreamsnotnightmaresnotlikeKira**_ _)_ Kira tilted his head, caramel strands shadowing his eyes from view.

 _It'll be…_

Petite hands reached down.

… _so…_

One curled up in dark brown locks.

 _...easy…_

The other brushed a soft _(_ _ **defenceless**_ _)_ cheek.

… _to…_

Down, down, the hand traced before…

… _just…_

…it circled the child's throat, gently resting upon the rising and falling skin.

… _ **squeeze**_ _._

Indifferent amber studied his own actions at that moment, considering his fingers circling the girl's throat. _(_ _ **So easy**_ _)_

Time stretched out, teetering on a knife's thin edge.

Warmth burnt his skin, radiating like fire from the throat he was holding.

 _(_ _ **Squeeze…**_ _)_

Kira released his hold and stepped back.

 _(_ _ **Howdisappointing**_ _)_

When the oblivious Sachiko returned to her home, she asked if Kira looked after his sister. He glanced at the sleeping Sayu and nodded shyly.

 _(_ _ **ShutupLightisnotamurderernotKira!**_ _)_

* * *

 _"The game was fun while it lasted but now the crown has been relinquished and a pawn lies at my feet…what to do now…?"_

 _"…Let…"_

 _"Oh, I didn't quite catch that."_

 _"Let…let me go."_

 _"'Let you go,' you say? That's an interesting request. What will you do if I were to grant your wish?"_

 _"I'll lea-leave. I'll leave you alone, I swear! I p-promise! Just let me go!"_

 _"A little demanding, almost too much so…especially considering your position right now."_

 _"P-please…"_

 _"Much better. A little manners goes a long way, you see. It's amusing, really, even now I'm still teaching you, guiding you. Being a_ _ **good friend**_ _. Just like old times."_

 _"…M-monster."_

* * *

 **Age: Five years**

It was easy enough to slip out of the teeming crowd. Kira, with the ease of a youthful child _(_ _ **runningrunningdodgingbulletstwistingthroughthehitsandstrikes**_ _),_ ghosted up the stairs into the serenity and peace of his bedroom.

He didn't see the attraction of a birthday party.

His caretakers had invited many of their friends – Soichiro, his many co-workers from his work as the Police Investigation Bureau Chief and Sachiko, her friends from the Knitting & Tea Appreciation group she frequented – resulting in a mass of chatter and shouts on the first floor.

Kira was not amused.

Their _condescension,_ their sickening _cooing_ and _tittering,_ the endless _boasts_ and the little-too-loud comparisons with their own _darling children…_

 _(_ _ **WritetheirnameshurtthemtorturethemmakethemBLEED**_ _)_

Dark pressure coiled underneath his skin, pulsing and twisting, causing Kira to twitch uncontrollably as he prowled around his room.

 _(_ _ **Doitdoitdoithurthemfilthyhumansdoit**_ _)_

He rolled his neck.

 _(_ _ **Sachikoisignorantdoit**_ _)_

He flexed his fingers.

 _(_ _ **Soichiroisblinddoit**_ _)_

He hissed softly.

 _(_ _ **Sayuispowerlessdoit**_ _)_

'Round and 'round, Kira stalked, a monster _(_ _ **GodGodGod**_ _)_ caged in a prison of his own volition, _wanting, aching._ The shadowy whispers in his head stirred his darkness, urging and pushing _to just do it, what_ _ **areyouwaitingfor**_ _—_

He slammed his hands on his desk, harsh, guttered breaths escaping his clenched jaws. Fiercely glowing blood-red eyes narrowed, unseeing, lost in _**bloodhurtbloodKILL—**_

 _Breathe in…_

 _(_ _ **Killthem**_ _)_

… _breathe out._

 _(_ _ **Killthem**_ _)_

 _Breathe in…_

 _(_ _ **Kill**_ _)_

… _breathe out._

 _(_ _ **Kil…**_ _)_

 _Breathe in…_

 _(_ _ **Ki…**_ _)_

… _breathe out._

 _(_ _ **K…**_ _)_

 _Breathe in…_

…

… _breathe out._

When previously shut eyelids slid open, it was the colour of topaz that greeted the room. Kira sighed. Slowly straightening up, the male stepped back from his desk, tensed shoulders uncoiling.

Kira was not controlled.

Tiny feet – clad in tiny, woollen socks – padded over to the window.

Kira was not controlled.

With an elegant flick of the hand, a sleeve was pushed back, revealing a pale wrist, unmarred by scars or imperfections.

Kira was not controlled.

There was a pause in which a razor-sharp mind, honed in decades of blood and Judgement, focused.

Kira was not controlled.

The world _shifted,_ reality jerking and buckling under a _weight,_ laced with _**death**_.

Kira was not controlled.

It was with a _clink_ that manacles manifested, dull and _wrong_ in the sun's bathing light. Wrapped a dozen-fold around his arm, the black metal rustled and settled around his arm, glinting with an ominous, _wrongwrongwrong_ , radiance. He knew that it wasn't just his arm, knew it extended far beyond, knew it was wrapped around his short body, _binding and_ _ **chaining.**_

Kira was not controlled.

Though it remained unseen from other eyes, he knew it existed. He could see it, touch it, _feel_ it. He could feel its coldness upon his skin. _(_ _ **Whywasitsocold?**_ _)_

 _Kira was not controlled._

 _('_ _ **And with a snap, the manacles locked into place."…We have an accord, O Godling."**_ _')_

* * *

 _"Monster!"_

 _"Anything else? Creative insults, accusations of being a traitor, deceiving you?"_

 _"_ _ **SHUT UP! YOU'RE A MONSTER! LET ME GO!**_ _"_

 _"…Pity. I was hoping for something interesting."_

 _"_ _ **MONSTERMONSTERMON—**_ _"_

 _Thud._

 _"…Even up to your last second, you exceeded the known limits for a human's ability to irritate. Well done."_

…

 _"Do you know what I learnt from all of this?"_

…

 _"Playing with L is_ _ **much**_ _more fun."_

 _Footsteps faded into the distance, leaving behind only a fallen corpse and_ _ **blood.**_

* * *

 _ **End of Summer Term School Report**_

 _1995, July 19th, Gyosei Elementary School_

* * *

 **Teacher:** Tanaka Reo **| Student:** Yagami Light

* * *

 **First Grade, Summer Term 1995**

* * *

 **Date of Birth:** 1989, February 18th **Enrolment Date:** 1995, April 1st

 **Legal Guardians:** Yagami Soichiro & Yagami Sachiko

* * *

 **Pass Grades:**

 **Exemplary (S) |** 90-100%

 **Very good (A) |** 80-89%

 **Good (B) |** 70-79%

 **Average (C) |** 60-69%

 **Approved/Acceptable (D/F) |** 50-59%

* * *

 **Fail Grades:**

 **Unacceptable (F) |** 0-49%

* * *

 _ **YAGAMI LIGHT HAS ACHIEVED:**_

 **Japanese Language** _ **:**_ S

 **Social Studies** _ **:**_ S

 **Arithmetic** _ **:**_ S

 **Science** _ **:**_ S

 **Art** _ **:**_ S

 **Physical Education** _ **:**_ S

* * *

 _ **Teacher Comments:**_ _I would like to congratulate Yagami-kun's parents on raising such a polite and intelligent child. It is truly a pleasure to have such a wonderful student; Light is attentive and sweet, highly intelligent but more than willing to put in hard work to achieve his given tasks._

 _There have been a few remarks to him by other children – kids will be kids – but he refused to retaliate, conducting himself with admirable dignity in the face of such adversity. Do not worry, Yagami-san and Yagami-san, I have rebuked them suitably._

 _The only thing I am worried about is his occasional distance. Sometimes, when the noise becomes a little too loud or the children's pestering becomes a little too annoying, he retreats from the activities and hides away with a book, declining to even talk with the others. I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Light seems very mature for his age and likely enjoys things that are of a higher level than the others are used to. It's nothing concerning._

 _I look forward to next term._

* * *

 **1995, April 20t** **h** **, Thursday**

 **Age: Six years and two months**

The passing of spring is heralded by a gradual warming of the ever-present sun and the sweetening scent of the palmate maples, saturating the flowing breeze and tickling the noses of the chattering students as they left the gates of Gyosei Elementary School.

It was little wonder that their rambunctious antics was met with only amused indulgence from their parents; today was the last day of the summer term. Awaited was the freedom of thirty-six days of blissful oblivion.

Slightly distant from the moving stream of departing children, a tiny boy waited patiently by the iron-cast school gates, seemingly enthralled with the thick book in his hands. If one was pressed, they might've commented on his innocent appearance, perhaps cooing over the angelic planes of his face or admiring the silky soft quality of his hair. They might've taken it further and appreciated the size of the book he was captivated by, likely approving of his intelligence.

(Of course, they would never consider the idea of it being a textbook concerning the understanding of molecular chemistry by reputably qualified academic researchers; no, most likely they would've thought it a picture book of some kind: no child was _that_ smart, _obviously_.)

Furthermore, if the distance from his fellow classmates had been noted, they would've dismissed it; the poor child was most likely intimidated by the sheer size and loud cacophony of noise of the throng.

If so, they would be dead wrong.

Kira simply wanted to be as far away from the crowding swarm of humans as he could possibly be without actually vacating the immediate area. _(_ _ **Killthem**_ _)_

With a sigh, he returned to his book, slouching even more against the brick wall. In another time and place, Kira would've been appalled by this show of laziness and poor posture…but considering the fact he had just about expended his entire store of patience and tranquillity on _**notslaughtering the annoying humans**_ throughout the entire day, he felt his tired stance well-justified.

 _(_ _ **Killthem**_ _)_

It took quite literally all of his iron willpower and resolve to _not fall asleep_ during class and _stay awake_ throughout the entire term. Why?

Kira was in _elementary_ _school_. Need he comment further?

He only shuddered to think what _He_ would've said about the entire situation. Kira was certain _His_ hypothetical comments would only be suitably mocking and passively derisive in nature and would've only served to fuel Kira's desire for _**bloodshed.**_

 _('_ _ **Trytokillmetrytokillmetrytokillmelet'smeetagainsoonkirakiraKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA—**_ _')_

"Light!"

Kira glanced up, already knowing who was calling him.

Yagami Soichiro drew nearer, a tired smile forming on his lined face. "Hello, Light. I'm sorry I'm late, I got held up at the station."

Indeed he was late. _Twenty-eight minutes and thirty-two seconds late._ Exactly as Kira had predicted. How tiresome. He detested tardiness.

"It's okay, Dad," Kira giggled, jogging up to Soichiro and casually slipping his textbook into his schoolbag along the way. "I understand. You're an important police officer!" As he finally reached his caretaker, he smiled innocently up at the man – cursing his shortness all the while – watching with inward indifference as Soichiro's smile widened. _(_ _ **Fool**_ _)_

The man chuckled as he bent down. "Yes, that's right, Light. Your father is an important police member but that doesn't make it right. I'll do better next time, I promise." He rested a worn hand on the other's head, ruffling the neat strands.

Kira resisted a twitch. He hated people touching him.

He held up a hand. "Pinky promise?"

"Pinky promise."

Letting out another giggle as they unlinked their fingers, Kira accepted his caretaker's outstretched hand as Soichiro begun to lead them back to their house.

 _(_ _ **Hehatedtouchingletgoletgoletgo**_ _)_

Years of practice helped Kira force back his instinctive disgust at the contact but it didn't halt the raging torrent beneath his skin, causing an urge to snarl as he shoved the man away.

 _(_ _ **Letgo**_ _)_

Thankfully for his already diminished patience, Soichiro refrained from talking along their walk. It was most likely the man's highest virtue – he wasn't the most _loquacious_ talker around. Which, of course, suited Kira perfectly.

As the pair walked to his caretaker's police cruiser, Kira's classmates called out to him; wishing him a happy holiday, offering to hang with him sometimes, shouting goodbyes, or, with the more _earnest_ students, shrieking out compliments. Kira resisted the urge to sigh. Befriending the children was far from the most challenging task in the world but it was certainly among the most tedious. They were at the age where they were smart enough to be at least vaguely aware of the world around them but foolish and inexperienced enough to actually blurt out the observations that careen through their heads – whether intelligent or dumb. And they mostly leant towards the latter.

Needless to say, interacting with them was draining.

A chuckle drew Kira's attention to his caretaker. Soichiro smiled down at him. "Seems you have a few friends, huh, Light?"

 _'I'm glad you find this amusing.'_

Kira nodded shyly, tightening his grip on Soichiro's hand. "I guess…" he mumbled, casting his eyes away. "They seem to like me. I'm not sure why though…."

"Don't be silly," Soichiro exclaimed. "Of course they like you! You're a good boy, Light and, evidently, a good friend. There's no reason not to like you. I'm glad you're making friends."

Forcing a blush to his cheeks, Kira whispered, "Thank you, Dad."

 _(_ _ **You'reafoolYagamiSoichiro**_ _)_

A minute later, they finally reached Soichiro's cruiser, escaping the insistent _calling_ that was plaguing Kira. Soichiro unlocked the car and opened the front passenger, helping Kira get in and put on the seatbelt, accepting Kira's timid thanks. A few minutes later, they were driving along the road, Soichiro easily weaving his way through the passing cars – though how much of that was skill and not the fact that they were in a visible police car eluded Kira.

The minutes passed in silence, Soichiro humming softly and Kira relaxing now that he was no longer fighting crushing boredom listening to school material designed for a six year old.

Movement flickered at the corner of his eye and Kira turned from his gazing out the window to see his caretaker turn on the radio. "Got to keep up with the news," he said when he saw Kira watching. Kira nodded.

 _"—Nakano Toshi has been arrested and charged with five counts of murder with his recent attempted mugging of a local convenience store in the Kagawa-ken Prefecture. His victims includes twenty-three year old Miura Misaki, seventeen year old Kubo Ryota, thirty-five year old Nomura Take—"_

"Ah," Soichiro muttered. "Maybe not this station…" He flicked the knob.

 _"—on the eighteenth, at two-thirty a.m., twenty-seven year old Koijima Aki has been allegedly assaulted whilst walking from a nearby party, by arrested Yu—"_

"Uh, not this one either…" Another flick.

 _"—it is a controversial decision that is being debated on; whether the parole appeal for well-known arsonist Ueno Eriko will go through or not. Ueno is well known for her heinous crimes of setting alight twelve buildings in the Tottori-ken Prefecture and killing a total number of eleven people in the year of nineteen eighty-one. The victims include—"_

"… _Another_ one?"

In other circumstances, Kira would've been darkly amused by his caretaker's misfortune. As it was, he merely said, "Dad? It's okay if you want to listen."

Soichiro glanced over at Kira, shaking his head in the meanwhile. "That's very nice of you, son. But children shouldn't be listening to things like this, they're for the adults to worry about."

Kira ducked his head, looking like a shy child hiding from his father's attention but in actuality, he was doing it to conceal his snort. "But you're the police Chief, right? You're supposed to listen to stuff like that. I don't want to stop you from doing your job."

Kira had the feeling that had he not been driving, Soichiro would've ruffled his hair again. Thankfully, they were in a moving car.

"You're so understanding, Light," the man exhaled. "But while, yes, that is part of my job – being aware of current events around Japan – I don't want that part of it to consume me. There's a difference between my work and my personal life and my work is a very difficult job sometimes. It's demanding and it really takes a lot out of me. I'm essentially fighting against evil and that can consume me completely at times, forcing me to blot out things as basic as driving home from work. I don't want to do that, so I keep my separation at unimportant times. It helps keep my head straight. I don't want to drown in my job.

Do you understand, Light?"

 _('_ _ **—IsuspectthatyouareinfactKira—**_ _')_

 _(_ _ **'—IamJustice—'**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **'—Thisworldisrottenandthosewhoaremakingitrotdeservetodie—'**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **'—WhenyoudieI'llbetheonewritingyournameinmyDeathNote—'**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **'—IfKiragetscaughtheisevil—'**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **'—Aneyeforaneyemyfriend—**_ _')_

 _(_ _ **'—IfKirarulestheworldheisjustice—'**_ _)_

"…Yes," the God murmured. "I understand."

 _(_ ' _ **Light, my son…from one murderer to another, I'll see you in Hell.**_ _')_

* * *

 **Ah, the feeling of publishing the first chapter of my first Fanfiction. Not too shabby, eh?**


	2. Chapter 2 - Nightmare

_**Disclaimer:**_ _I do not own Death Note, all rights and material belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata. Any and all material is taken with full acknowledgement from the manga and anime. All the rest is my own work._

* * *

 ** _In Memory, You Fall (Catch Me)  
_**

* * *

 **Chapter Two**

* * *

Nightmare

* * *

" _Hey, Yagami-san, come over here!"_

" _Hello Wada-san, Sakai-san, Amano-san. What's going on?"_

" _Did you hear? Another dozen criminals were killed by Kira!"_

" _Yeah, just last night at the Pik Uk Institution in Hong Kong! Heart attacks, all of them. Definitely him."_

" _It's pretty scary, isn't it? Kira is really cleaning up the world."_

" _Yeah, one body at a time."_

" _Wada-san!"_

" _What? It's true. What do you think, Yagami-san?"_

* * *

 **1995, April 21** **st** **, Friday**

 **Age: Six years and two months**

* * *

 _' **I suspect that you are, in fact, Kira.'**_

* * *

 _Wet and stone-cold, skeletal hands framed his face, an unknown liquid_ _ **dripping**_ _and_ _ **slopping**_ _off of the reaching appendages, down his cheeks and onto his parted lips. He could hear the sound of hoarse breaths, rattling and deep, sucking in the chilling air and he twisted and twisted away. Closer and closer, the breaths came and he could taste the coppery flavour of blood in his mouth and he wanted to spit it out and he struggled and bucked but_ _ **didn't move**_ _._

 _The hands were still holding his face but his straining eyes saw nothing but the abyss, the_ _ **endless**_ _abyss, mocking and laughing and screaming,_ _ **screaming**_ _,_ _ **SCREAMING**_ _._

 _It was silence but the breathing and the screaming in his head and he wanted to_ _ **laugh**_ _and_ _ **scream too**_ _in its unrelenting, shrieking cadence._

* * *

' _ **I will not rest until I execute Kira myself.'**_

* * *

 _It touched him, the skeleton of insanity and darkness, its arms holding him_ _ **harder**_ _and_ _ **tighter**_ _onto his body, hands moving into his hair and tugging and pulling and making him_ _ **feel**_ _. Shootings of electric-pulses of_ _ **pain**_ _burnt from those pulled roots, banishing the numbness and cold but he could_ _ **still hear the screaming**_ _and feel the skeleton_ _ **embracing**_ _him and_ _ **taste the blood**_ _in his mouth_ _ **and why can't he get rid of it**_ _?_

 _He wanted to gag, wanted to throw up, he_ _ **needed**_ _to_ _ **stop**_ _that taste and_ _ **stop**_ _the_ _ **screaming**_ _but it was so_ _ **darkdarkdark**_ _, where was the **light**? _

* * *

_' **I'm not Kira!'**_

* * *

 _His hands shot out and made to latch onto the bone and cartilage imprisoning his body._

 _It wasn't bone._

 _ **It wasn't bone.**_

 _It was_ _ **flesh**_ _._

 _ **Rotting**_ _and_ _ **rancid**_ _flesh. He could feel the diseased tissue decaying beneath his palms, falling to the floor in moist, heavy lumps. His fingers dug in –_ _ **he couldn't help it, he didn't want to do it**_ _– and it decomposed in his very hands, thick fluid running down his arms – get it off,_ _ **getitoffgetitOFF**_ _– from the skin and meat he had unthinkingly stripped off the bony entity._

 _The breathing – so different from the_ _ **screamingscreamingscreaming**_ _– dipped into scratchy, clawing laughter and it mocked him, mocked his_ _ **helplessness**_ _and_ _ **uselessness**_ _and_ _ **weakness**_ _and he_ _ **couldn't**_ _stand it._

 _His following actions weren't born from thought or planning, from meticulous analysis or careful strategy._

 _It was_ _ **primal**_ _and_ _ **fearful**_ _and_ _ **instinctive**_ _as he clawed and howled at the figure trapping him,_ _ **ripping**_ _ **apart**_ _the stringy gristle, uncaring of the spray of liquid that splattered across his face or the horrific sensation of burrowing his fingers into soft, squelchy meat._

 _His mindless fear drew his attention from the eternal_ _ **screaming**_ _. Genius had no place here as he bellowed his_ _ **terror**_ _and_ _ **fury**_ _and_ _ **hate**_ _at this impossible nightmare, at that still-laughing corpse and at the_ _ **screams**_ _scratching at the walls of his mind._

* * *

 _' **I'm telling you, I am not Kira!'**_

* * *

 _The sopping hands curled in his sodden mat of hair pulled his head back, tilting his face upwards towards the body's head even though he saw nothing. He_ _ **knew**_ _it was there, it was a_ _ **skeleton**_ _, a_ _ **corpse**_ _,_ _ **something**_ _–_ _ **it wasn't**_ _ **nothingnothingnothing**_ _– was there and_ _ **he knew it**_ _. His struggles doubled, tripled, but it was for naught as a hand released its fistful of prisoned hair strands and crept, danced, its way back towards his face, trailing the fluid across his skin –_ _ **taintedtainted**_ _skin._

 _Suddenly, the hand forced his gaping lips open, shoving bony fingers into his mouth and_ _ **he tasted it**_ _. He_ _ **couldn't**_ _stop, he_ _ **had**_ _to_ _ **. BloodbloodBLOODBLOOD**_ _poured into his mouth and down his throat,_ _ **burning**_ _and_ _ **cloying**_ _and_ _ **choking**_ _._

 _He was drowning in the blood._

 _It was all he could taste._

 _Blood._

 _ **Blood**_ _._

 _ **BLOOD**_ _._

 _Kira was drowning in blood._

 _Kira_

 _Was_

 _Dead._

* * *

Kira gasped.

Cooling sweat trickled down his neck and his chest as he sat up, shivering _(_ _ **socold**_ _)_ in the unrelenting night breeze. The unforgiving edge of his interrogation chair dug into his back like prison bars as he scrambled for air, for air to breathe into his tight, unmoving lungs. _(_ _ **Can'tbreathesocoldtoomuchscreaminginhisheadSHUTUP**_ _)._ With a muffled moan, Kira jerked out his chair, dodging _(_ _ **itwasreachingforhimthecorpse**_ _)_ and diving to the floor, the impact only driving the little vestiges of oxygen left out of his burning, heaving lungs. He landed on his back and lunged backwards, away, _away_ from the moving shadows because it was _them, coming to_ _ **kill Kira, it was them, run, run, it was –**_

…a desk?

It was a desk.

It was a _desk_.

It was Kira's _desk_ because he was in Kira's _bedroom_. That was his desk chair he had fallen out of…because Kira had fallen asleep in it the night before.

It was only a nightmare.

His muscles trembled and he obeyed his shrieking body's pleas to melt into the floor, heart pounding, as he stared up at the ceiling of his bedroom _(_ _ **notthewarehousenothedarknesseitherhewassafesafesafe**_ _),_ sweat freezing on his skin. He was unaware of the minutes that passed – three minutes, fourteen seconds _(_ _ **hewasalwaysawaretimeneverstops**_ _) –_ as he waited, exhausted for his quivers to fade to a halt.

 _(_ _ **Threeminutesfourteensecondstoolonghewasweak**_ _)_

His task finally achieved a success when his body reached a state where Kira eerily resembled a statue in all its unmoving mien, expressionless eyes examining his ceiling with its familiar aspects – eight cracks, three spider webs, and the dent in the right corner – which he could just barely gaze at with the lowly illumination provided by the breaking dawn outside the house.

Kira sighed. Jerkily, he slid to his feet with the halting sleekness of a wounded predator _(_ _ **hewasn'tweakhewasn't**_ _),_ stepping over to his window in its currently curtained closed state. He pushed aside the cream-coloured fabrics, the heavy covering splitting in half to reveal a darkness reigned street. If one were to wait, with not a flicker of the eyes or twitch of the head, they might be able to observe the fledging colours that preceded the fleeing of the night to the east. Hints of lavender and russet, of rose and carmine, of slate and bronze painting the abyss with the shades of light.

Dawn. The primordial beginning of a new day.

A new day. Another number.

A new day since _Before._

Yet another day.

Again.

 _(_ _ **WhathappendtohimbeforehehadfeltthefirethepassionthesparkhehadbeenGod**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **HewastillGodshutshutupSHUTUP**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **Nowitwasdeademptyblankcoldcoldcold**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **ShutupshutupshutuphewasstillGodGodGODGOD**_ _)_

Kira turned away from the window, eyes moving to rest upon the innocuous chair he had desperately escaped from just minutes before.

Escaped. Like Kira had been _running._ Like Kira had been _weak._

 _Kira wasn't_ _weak._

 _(_ _ **Hewasuchaliar**_ _)_

* * *

" _About what?"_

" _Come on, Yagami-san. About Kira!"_

" _Yeah, what's your opinion? Do you support him? Or L?"_

" _We all want to know what you think, you're really smart after all."_

" _Ha, you're such a fanboy, Amano-san."_

" _Shut up, Wada-san!"_

" _Be quiet, you idiots. Let Yagami-san talk."_

" _Yeah, Yagami-san must have some interesting things to say about Kira the Murderer."_

* * *

"Light? Are you alright, sweetheart?"

 _(_ _ **Shutupshutupshutupstoptalkingtalkingtalking**_ _)_

Kira smiled back at his female caretaker, the familiar movement of his lips reassuring the foolish human. _(_ _ **Needylittlefemalearen'tyou?**_ _)_

"Yes, I'm fine, mum. Still kinda tired," he lied _(_ _ **Liarliarworldonfire**_ _)_ as always, watching through his burning eyes as the woman cooed softly over two-year-old Yagami Sayu who babbled happily in her plastic high chair, making a disgusting mess of her okayu breakfast. _(_ _ **You'regrowinglittlechildbecauseIhaven'tkilledyouyet**_ _)_ Kira fought down an instinctive flinch as a lump of the okayu went flying past his head, coming to a splattered halt on the wall.

 _(_ _ **Whyhaven'tIkilledyouyet?**_ _)_

His caretaker giggled at the toddler's antics, not minding the steadily growing mess that was once her pristine dining room. "Sayu-chan's getting dirty, aren't you, sweetie?" _(_ _ **Dirtyfilthyrottenjustliketherestoftheworld**_ _)_

Sayu mumbled indistinctively, spit trickling past her gaping mouth and down her chin. The caretaker merely _tsk_ -ed at the dripping liquid, swiftly dabbing at it with a nearby napkin. _(_ _ **Cleanupthemessbutit'stilltheretherot**_ _)_ Kira's hashi dug into his soft palm as he gripped the utensils hard in his dark disgust at the young human in front of him.

 _(_ _ **Justkillherkillherkillherstopthefilthandthemess**_ _)_

Sachiko glanced over to Kira, smile still intact as she asked, "Sweetheart, is your food still warm? Do I need to heat it up again?"

 _(_ _ **Shutupshutupshutup**_ _)_

Fine silk brushed over his cheeks as Kira shook his head and used his hashi to pick up yet another piece of yakizakana from his plate. Slipping the hashi-ful of fish past his lips, he curled his lips up again as he clarified that her cooking was hot enough for the God to still consume. _(_ _ **Ibowtoonone**_ _)_ When her warm gaze was turned back to her giggling daughter, Kira's eyes dropped to the food before him.

Yakizakana. Natto. Miso shiru. Ryokucha.

He remembered that he had enjoyed her cooking _Before._

Now…it tasted…

 _(_ _ **ashesbloodhekilledthemall**_ _)_

…like…

 _(_ _ **copperredcopperreditrandownhisthroathetastediteverywhere**_ _)_

… _nothing._

 _(_ _ **What'swrongwithme?**_ _)_

"Light?"

Kira glanced up. Sachiko smiled _(_ _ **fake**_ _)_ at him. "Do you like your breakfast?"

 _(_ _ **Nothingnothingnothing**_ _)_

He smiled back. _(_ _ **Fake**_ _)_

"It's delicious, mum."

 _(_ _ **Lyingagain**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **Aboutfood**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **Because**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **He**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **Always**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **Tasted**_ _)_

 _(_ _ **Blood**_ _)_

 _Kira was_ _ **not**_ _weak._

 _(_ _ **Liarliarliar**_ _)_

* * *

" _Well, Kira has an intriguing goal, I will admit. Wanting to make the world a better place with no criminals or bad people. Nonetheless, murder is murder, there's no way around it. Kira is a killer and you can't forget that."_

" _But don't you think that's the only way to make the world better? I mean, locking them up isn't really helping anyone. Maybe…Kira is…onto something."_

"… _Shit, Wada-san. Should you really be saying those things out loud?"_

" _Yeah, come on, Wada-san."_

" _You guys are such cowards. What do you think, Yagami-san?"_

" _I think that it doesn't matter if Kira's murders are helping or not. The fact remains that he's a hypocrite at best. Saying that criminals should be punished yet he goes around killing people himself. It is strange how no one notices."_

" _Whoa. Now that you point it out, you're right, Yagami-san. I haven't thought about that."_

" _Heh, Kira's such a liar."_

* * *

Sachiko bustled about the dining room, collecting all the used dishes and utensils from their breakfast in preparation to be washed. _(_ _ **Simplecreaturesounthinking**_ _)_ Just before disappearing into the depths of the kitchen, Kira's caretaker _(_ _ **Idon'tneedyoujustshutup**_ _)_ called over her shoulder, "Sweetheart, your father wants to talk to you. Go brush your teeth then see him in his office, will you?" _(_ _ **Don'tordermeIloatheyoukillyoukillyoukillyou**_ _)_

Kira, who had calculated a twenty-two percent chance that the female caretaker would ask him to put Sayu away in her pen _(_ _ **soeasytojustdropherwatchasherfragileskullspillsitscontentsacrossthefloor**_ _)_ , was not disappointed by the change in request. _(_ _ **Don'tneedtotouchher**_ _)_ He glanced at the still drooling toddler then thought about his mental image of the stoic, decidedly _not_ drooling male caretaker _(_ _ **justanotherhumanjustmoretolerable**_ _)_ , and relief briefly brushed over his mind before fleeing from the screams.

 _(_ _ **Sometimeshedidn'tmindthedarkwhisperstokillbecausseitmeanthefeltsomethingfeltemotionsnotnumbness**_ _)_

He already knew what Soichiro would say to him. _(_ _ **Heknewsomuchcan'tstopthinking**_ _)_

The human was predictable, after all. _(_ _ **SoeasytoreadyouYagamiSoichiro**_ _)_

Nothing like _Him. (_ _ **ShutupshutupSHUTUPDON'TTHINKABOUTHIMHIMHIMHIMHE'SGONEDEADDEADDEADDEAD**_ _)_

Padding out of the room, he walked towards the staircase that led upstairs until a flash of _redredRED (_ _ **nonono**_ _)_ caught his eyes and he stilled, mind blanking under the rushing torrent of sensation. _(_ _ **nonoNONONONONONO—**_ _)_

Roses.

Red roses.

Red.

 _Red._

 _ **Blood**_ _._

 _ **He tasted BLOOD.**_

Kira swallowed but the thick fullness still lay on his tongue.

 _The taste of blood was still there._

The God once more resumed his path, intent on reaching the glass of water on his nightstand in his bedroom.

The human caretaker can wait.

 _(_ _ **—bloodbloodbloodhecantasteitspititoutcan'tmoveletmegobloodbloodBLOODBLOODBLOODBLOODBLOOD—)**_

* * *

" _Even so, it doesn't really change anything. You have to agree with me that he's scary. Kira, I mean."_

" _My, my, is poor, little Sakai-san scared of the big, bad namahage?"_

" _Fuck you! You know those are just stories used by our parents to make us shit ourselves when we were kids! Kira's real! He's literally killing people left and right!"_

" _Hey, calm down, Sakai-san. It's fine. Wada-san didn't mean anything by it, right?"_

" _Yeah, sorry, man. Like Yagami-san said, didn't mean anything, I was just joking around."_

" _Whatever. I'm not wrong, though. Kira isn't some demon we can pretend to be in order to scare him off or something. He's real. He exists and he's real. We can't pretend he's not out there somewhere."_

" _Sakai-san's right. He might be cleaning out the prisons now but what happens if he decides that the rest of the world isn't all that great either? Do you like him so much now, Wada-san?"_

" _I was only saying what half the world is already thinking, no need to be so aggressive."_

* * *

He stepped into the room _(_ _ **nomoreredredred**_ _)_ and immediately drenched up a smile, innocent and sweet _(_ _ **justanotherlie**_ _)_ , as he virtually skipped over to his male caretaker _(_ _ **stillaliveYagamiSoichiro**_ _)_. The human male had looked up at the quiet _click_ of the door slowly swinging open and had brightened at the sight of the tiny God _(_ _ **unabletoseejustliketherest**_ _)_ , beckoning him over to where he was sitting in his office chair. Keeping the smile on his lips, Kira begun to lower himself to the floor, only to be tugged up onto to his caretaker's lap, arms coming around him for a fatherly embrace.

 _(_ _ **YouaretouchingmefilthstoptouchingmestopitIamGodIamtaintedletgostopitstopitstopitkillHIMKILLHIMKILLHIM—**_ _)_

He squeaked, feeding a warm infusion of heat to his cheeks, as he feigned a protest of, "Dad? What're you doing?" _(_ _ **YagamiSoichiroIwillENJOYwritingyourname**_ _)_

Soichiro rumbled a laugh, a heavy hand coming up to ruffle _(_ _ **—LETGOLETGOLETGOLETGO—**_ _)_ the murderer's _(_ _ **IAMGOD**_ _)_ hair into a chaotic state of being. "What, Light, do you not want to be hugged by your father anymore? You used to love being cuddled after being tucked in."

 _(_ _ **IAMNOTYOURSONYOUARENOTMYFATHERHEISDEADHEISDEADANDSOONYOUWILLBETOO—)**_

Kira bowed his head, bangs falling down to shade his doubtlessly crimson eyes, as he struggled not to _scream_ , struggled not to _kill,_ to not to reach for the _pen-and-black-journal,_ for the tools that would have forced the human to _**scream**_ _ **too**_ _._

"I'm _six_ years old, Dad. I'm a big boy now! Big boys don't need to be _hugged_ by their _dad_!"

 _Kira moved through life with screams in his head._

"Nonsense, Light. Even big boys get hugs from their dads. Especially after such a wonderful summer term report card! Straight S's! Well done, Light."

 _Maybe_ _ **more screams**_ _would make it go away._

"A-ah, t-thank you, Dad. It's no big deal. I just studied real hard…"

 _He sorely wanted to try it._

"'No big deal'? Silly son, it _is_ a big deal! None of my co-workers can boast the same of _their_ children. I have such an intelligent little boy, I'm so proud of you. Your mother is the same, no doubt she'll come and give you a big kiss and, yes, a _hug_ later."

 _Just an_ _ **experiment**_ _._

"Well...if Mum is happy…I guess _one…_ hug is okay…"

 _Only_ _ **one**_ _little go._

"I'm glad you're coming around to the joy of hugs. Light, in all seriousness, I _am_ proud of you. I saw how you diligently did your homework every afternoon, straight after coming home from school. You always finish everything before you come to dinner. You clean up your schoolbooks and always keep your room tidy. You finish the chores your mother and I give you and never complain when we ask you to care of your little sister. Truly, Light, you have worked so hard over the term."

 _After all…_

"D-dad…"

 _(_ _ **Who**_ _)_

"No, Light, no need to be so humble. Your school report is _incredible_ and your mother and I agree that you deserve a reward for your hard work."

 _(_ _ **Would**_ _)_

"Wha- no, Dad, you don't have to! Of course, I'll work hard on my homework, why would I do anything else? That's just _stupid_."

 _(_ _ **Stop**_ _)_

"No, you have worked hard and you will get a reward. Your father has spoken. Come on, Light, smile that adorable smile for me."

 _(_ _ **Him**_ _)_

The male caretaker's office study – _dreary_ , _dull_ , _**human**_ – swum in his blurry vision as the screaming in his head threatened to drown him in the darkness of its tainted suggestions _(_ _ **Makehimscreammakethescreaminggoaway**_ _)._ The air in the room felt thick and choking, sweltering movement forcing itself in and out of his lungs as his chest moved mechanically in its primitive need for oxygen. _(_ _ **Whatwoulditbelikenottobreathe?**_ _)_

Soichiro was still _touching_ him _(_ _ **—LETGOLETGO—**_ _)_ , _holding_ him _(_ _ **—LETGOLETGOLETGO—**_ _)_ , the _screaming_ in his head won't stop _(_ _ **—KiraKIRAKIRAKIRA—)**_ , the room was so _cloying (_ _ **can'tbreathe**_ _)_ , the air smelt of _blood (_ _ **noNONOGETITOUT—)**_ and the human simply kept _talking_ and _**talking**_ _(_ _ **SHUTUP**_ _)._

Ever since Kira woke up from his nightmare _(_ _ **notanightmarehewasnotWEAK**_ _)_ the ever-present coiling of insanity _(_ _ **insaneinsanehewasn'tinsane**_ _)_ – his Minotaur in the Labyrinth of ancient Crete – had seemingly doubled in intensity and presence, tightening its grasp upon his mind _(_ _ **getitout**_ _)_ , _whispering_ and _snarling_ and _screaming (_ _ **pleaseshutup**_ _)_ , crooning to him to _lash out,_ to _**just**_ _…_ _ **let**_ _…_ _ **go**_ _._ Everywhere he turned, every single step he took, every _blasted_ word that poured out of the humans' mouths, incited a dark frenzy in his head.

Even as his prodigious mind calculated and assimilated all the available information, the darkness _screamed_. _(_ _ **Pleasegoaway**_ _)_

Even as effortless lies, beautiful lies, perfect lies coated his lips and dripped from his tongue, the darkness _screamed_. _(_ _ **Pleasegoawaygoaway**_ _)_

Even as Kira smiled, smiled and laughed and lied – like he wasn't a God _(_ _ **murderer**_ _)_ – the darkness _**screamed**_ _. (_ _ **Pleasegoawaygoawaygoaway**_ _)_

He sometimes wondered which was worse. Being imprisoned as a mere infant, unable to move, able only to listen to the screaming only he could hear _(_ _ **itwasallhehad**_ _)_ or growing into a child, where he was able to smile _(_ _ **lie**_ _) as_ his caretaker requested, listening to the screaming only he could hear _(_ _ **itneverlefthim**_ _)._

Time was meaningless. _(_ _ **Whenwillitstop?**_ _)_

Nothing has changed. _(_ _ **Diditmatter?**_ _)_

He was still here. _(_ _ **Willitgoaway?**_ _)_

Kira wasn't _weak._

 _(_ _ **Prettylittlelies**_ _)_

* * *

"… _Sakai-san, I know you're scared but just think about it. Has Kira, in all the months he has been eliminating criminals, ever killed an innocent?"_

"… _Well, no…"_

" _Exactly. We do not know his exact motives, we don't know for sure how this will all end and we don't know whether it will be Kira or L who wins…but know, Sakai-san, that you will be safe."_

" _But—"_

" _Sakai-san, look at me. Please."_

"…"

" _Believe me. I promise you. You will be safe_ _ **.**_ _Kira will not hurt you."_

" _I-I…."_

" _It may seem terrible now and I won't lie, it is. The world has become so much more dangerous and everyone is scared. Even I am. No,_ _ **especially**_ _me. I'm scared. I'm scared, Sakai-san, for my family, my friends, myself. I'm scared for everyone. The world is so dangerous…and there's nothing we can do about it. But…Sakai-san…"_

 _Tailored leather shoes stepped closer and lovely, amber eyes closed with a gentle smile._

" _Sakai-san…I know you. You are kind to your brothers, kind to your teachers, kind to everyone. Kira will not hurt you. As long as you live and breathe as Sakai Kuma, Kira cannot, will not harm you. You are innocent and you are_ _ **safe.**_ _"_

 _Eyes slowly opened again, revealing a soft warmth as it was whispered, "…I promise."_

* * *

Steam billowed through the small bathroom as Kira continued to bend over the sink, holding his shaking hands under the flowing water. Harsh pants echoed seamlessly as the sounds bounced off the walls in an endless cycle, filling his ears with the noise.

It wasn't enough to drown out the screams.

Kira was tired, that was all. He didn't get enough sleep.

It was all in his head.

 _(_ _ **KiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKiraKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA—**_ _)_

 _Slam!_ The God furiously punched the wall, cutting off the _screamingscreamingscreaming_ in his head as he snarled, "Shut up _."_

 _(_ _ **—KIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA KIRAKIRAKIRA—**_ _)_

"Shut up!"

 _(_ _ **—KIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA KIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA—**_ _)_

" _Shut up!"_

 _(_ _ **—KIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA KIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA—**_ _)_

" _ **Shut up!**_ _"_

 _(_ _ **—KIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA KIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRAKIRA—**_ _)_

" _ **SHUT UP!**_ _"_

Tiny hands _(_ _ **wrongsowrong**_ _)_ gripped his hair as he leant against the counter, pulling and tugging at the soft strands, trying to _make it hurt_ so he could _shut up the_ _ **screaming**_ _._ White teeth chewed at pale lips as he shuddered, skin stretched tightly over writhing bones and burning blood. He tugged harder, _harder_ but the screaming was _still_ _ **there.**_

Teeth bit in and Kira tasted **blood.**

 _(_ _ **BloodagaingetitoutgetitoutsomuchbloodrotrotrotdisgustinggetitOUT**_ _)_

He lunged forward, small fingers gripping cold _(_ _ **coldcoldcold**_ _)_ ceramic and he desperately threw up, gagging and spitting as his stomach roiled in protest and the scent of raw iron and copper pervaded the air. His chest tightened and relaxed and tightened in time with his retches and his cheeks burnt with heat and the screams filled his mind.

Kira tasted blood and he wanted it **gone.**

 _(_ _ **Weakgodsoweakweakweakcan'tevenstandthetasteofbloodhyukhyukhyuk**_ _)_

Kira wasn't _weak._

The tiny child-God heaved again and red-painted bile stained the porcelain white sink carved into the counter. Fragile shoulders shook as the blood was continually spat out, again and again, the running water from the faucet fouled by the scarlet poison rejected by the God.

Kira gagged once more as aching lungs expanded against brittle _(_ _ **weakhumanbones**_ _)_ ribs in a howling demand for precious oxygen. He needed to _breathe_ but he can'tcan't _can't_ for he was _finally_ ridding himself of the **blood.**

The taste was leaving.

 _(_ _ **Itwasn't**_ _)_

The taste was leaving.

 _(_ _ **Itwasn'titwasn't**_ _)_

The taste was leaving.

 _(_ _ **Itwasn'titwasn'titwasn't**_ _)_

It was still there.

Just like the screaming.

A final retch and then blessed silence slipped into place in the bathroom as the child-God shook in a paler imitation of his previous heaving. Amber orbs flicked down and Kira simply froze there, staring at the gleaming blood, glistening sickeningly under the florescent glow of the ceiling light. Tremoring fingers agonisingly raised up and brushed cold lips before it was sluggishly held out in front of his eyes.

Blood.

 _Blood._

 _ **Blood.**_

Slowly, the hand reached upwards before it came to rest upon the mirror above the sink, the red liquid imprinting a child's handprint upon the once clean glass. Kira too looked up, burning eyes locking with bloody cardinal irises.

"…I-I'm not w-weak."

 _(_ _ **Can'tgetridoftheblood**_ _)_

"I'm _not_ weak _._ "

 _(_ _ **Ihatetheseredeyes**_ _)_

" _I'm. Not. Weak."_

 _(_ _ **Liar**_ _)_

* * *

" _Talk to you later, Yagami-san."_

" _Yeah, meet up at Gamou tonight!"_

" _Goodbye Wada-san, Amano-san."_

" _Hey, Yagami-san…"_

" _Yes, Sakai-san?"_

"… _Thanks. You really made me feel better about K-Kira. I owe you one and…I'm really happy that you think so highly of me. You're an amazing person…thank you."_

" _It's no problem, Sakai-san. You're a wonderful guy, everyone is blind not see it."_

" _T-thanks…"_

 _Hurried footsteps ran away and a heavy silence weighed down the air._

" _Hyuk, hyuk_ _ **…**_ _now_ _ **that**_ _was interesting, Light. Brilliant acting as usual. It was very touching."_

 _Full lips coolly twisted up into a sensual smirk. "…Indeed, Ryuk. I had fun."_

* * *

Kira was so tired. _(_ _ **Hewassotiredofthescreams**_ _)_

He already knew what Yagami Soichiro was going to tell him. _(_ _ **Can'tstopthinkingstoppredicting**_ _)_

He already knew that in precisely one hour, six minutes and thirty-two seconds, a delivery truck will arrive outside the Yagami house. _(_ _ **Theworldisrottenanddullnothingischallenging**_ _)_

He already knew that the delivered package would contain a freshly-new model of a 486DX2-66 computer system with associated components and a fifteen inch flat screen monitor with .28 dot pitch. _(_ _ **Nothinghaschanged**_ _)_

He already knew that his knowledge of computer programming and its less legal counterpart of hacking would easily navigate and set up hidden tunnels among the less developed internet of nineteen nighty-five. _(_ _ **Timehasturnedbackbutnothinghaschanged**_ _)_

He already knew that it would take approximately three minutes and fifty-five seconds to dismantle the child-friendly restrictions and limited programs the male caretaker would've previously uploaded and strip it down to the most basic programming level. _(_ _ **Sotiredsotiredjustwanttostopstopstop**_ _)_

He already knew that it would then take only seven minutes and twelve seconds to virtually create the fake identity of Kira – private detective, investigator, justice. _(_ _ **Liarinsideliaroutsidealwaysaliarneverstops**_ _)_

He already knew that it would take one minutes and two seconds to hack into the NPA's private database to begin scouring for open and active police cases. _(_ _ **Nowtosavenottojudgeeverythingisdifferentyetnothinghaschanged**_ _)_

He already knew how, when and where he will begin to weave the very beginnings of the hidden, shadowy webs that will eventually encase the world. _(_ _ **Hewillsucceedwherehehadfailedbeforebutitdoesn'tmatternow**_ _)_

Because he has had six years, one month and twenty-one days with nothing but the screaming to help him plan. _(_ _ **TicktocklittleGodtimeisrunningout**_ _)_

There will be no passion behind this, no innate belief that the world will bow before him. _(_ _ **Hehadalreadylost**_ _)_

All he had to do now is begin to work. _(_ _ **Hehadnothingelse**_ _)_

To survive. _(_ _ **Nothing**_ _)_

To endure. _(_ _ **Nothingnothing**_ _)_

He has a deal to uphold. _(_ _ **Nothingnothingnothing**_ _)_

Nothing else.

* * *

 _ **My poor, broken Kira…he's starting to spiral down.**_

 _ **Thank you to everyone who has favorited, followed and reviewed so far. It truly means the world to me.**_


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